TIME Discussion

[CrazyHobo]

I see improvement in narration. Good job.

I also noticed that you decided not to go with a chronological order and put them at random.
Dangerous trick, but makes reading all the more interesting. Just don't forget to input the dates, otherwise readers will get confused.

[BlackRain]

These are your errors...

Time: 9:30 A.M.
Date: September 22, 2035


The high school teacher sat the paper down on his desk, looking up at William. “So this is what you’re giving me for last week’s assignment?" he inquired, removing his dark green glasses.

“Yes Mr. Logan,” the student responded, awaiting his teachers opinion.

“Very well... the assignment was to write notes about your dreams but instead it seems you have written a story about the near future, tomorrow to be exact, including poor character development,” stated Mr. Logan who was now standing in front of the class.

“It sort of just came to me like that sir,” he responded, sinking slowly in his chair out fear of being criticized any further.

Suddenly the bell went off, dismissing the entire school for the weekend.

“Yes! Saved by the bell!” William exclaimed, jumping out of his seat.  The other students rush past him as he tried to sneak past the teacher. Just a few more steps and he would be home free. One step away from the door the teacher caught him.

“William, may I speak with you for a moment?” the boy slowly turned around before speaking,“Yes, Mr. Logan? What is it?”

 “I was wondering… the characters in your story… Igor and Albel, I believe… are they friends of yours?” asked the elder man as he adjusted his black tie.

“No sir, I’ve actually never met them before in my life, why do you ask?”

At this point, the teacher was brushing his light blonde hair. “No reason. I was just wondering if you were writing about some friends of yours.”

William breathed a sigh of relief as he thought he was going to be in trouble. “Is there anything else you would like to ask?” he asked, getting his nerves back together.

“No, that will be all… have a nice weekend,” says Mr. Logan as he smiled and waved good bye.

William returned the gesture, walking out of the classroom and down the hall to the tall, blue double doors leading outside. He peered outside before walking out, seeing an average afternoon sky of the town he had lived in since he was a child before the days his parents died.

Up until recently, before moving into the apartment, he had lived with his uncle. The young man took a deep breath and headed home with an uneasy feeling in his gut about the day to come.

[Basically, you don't stay in the same tense during your story. I saw three or four times you switch between the past tense and the present. I tend to stick to the past, as it's easier to tell a story that way.

Then, you don't make a new paragraph for dialogue, which makes it ten times easier to read.

Then, you use the characters' names too much, instead of doing the slow description thing, like I had suggested. There's also some grammar and spelling errors mixed in... xD

This is definitely better than before, but still.]

[Twilightpersona]

I see improvement in narration. Good job.

I also noticed that you decided not to go with a chronological order and put them at random.
Dangerous trick, but makes reading all the more interesting. Just don't forget to input the dates, otherwise readers will get confused.

Yes, I understand. The point I was trying to make in the story was the fact that I predicted the future in a dream and my character writes about it.

also, rain I will go back and make new paragraphs for dialogue.

Edit: I have made new paragraphs for dialogue and by the way the reason the story isn't in chronological order is because it's supposed to emphasize the difference in time in a cause and effect relationship.

[TRHeadshot]

Persona's story with Rain's guidance *Drools rainbow*  Me likey this combo <3

[Twilightpersona]

I agree.

I need to start writing it again.

[Twilightpersona]

OK I added some more to the story. It's edited onto the end of the previous part to help set up for the next part. Just alittle extra details is all.

[BlackRain]

Pretty sure Vora has black/dark brown hair, but let's see if I can't edit this into proper shape with my brain like it is now...

After Mr. Logan was sure William was gone he pulled out his thin, sleek black cell phone and dialed a number.

He spoke quietly into the phone,“It’s Vora,” which was met with a surprised response from the person on the other end.

“Vora? It’s been a long time since we all heard from you Archlord… are you okay?” inquired the man on the other end.

“Yes Igor, I am fine but there is no time for pleasantries, I have something you might want to see. Come to the high school across from West Side Apartments. Bring Albel with you as well; I believe he may be especially interested.” he replied.

“Yes sir, on our way now," Igor responded, making sure his salute was in his voice.

[CrazyHobo]

Vora's blonde.
At least that's what he told me: "I'm the only blonde male in Buenos Aires"

[Twilightpersona]

yea I based it off what I read of his description in his story.

[BlackRain]

Huh. Alright then. o.O

[BlackRain]

Give me more. Or I shall destroy you. >:C

[Twilightpersona]

I shall avert my demise and write more today.

[Twilightpersona]

I have added the little bit I wrote today. I will have more time to write it tomorrow. In the mean time, Albel, try to avoid destroying the author.....namely me.

[BlackRain]

... More, god damn it. >:C

[Twilightpersona]

Albel your wish has been granted.