degradation

[CrazyHobo]

I feel it in my mind...
Seriously. I've been analyzing my diary entries for the past 2 years and came to the conclusion, that I reached my mental peak at the end of 2010, then at the start of 2011 I began degrading heavily.

What do I mean by degradation?

I used to believe in the ways of the Black Dragon. I used to believe that only strong individuals make the difference in the world. But after some unpleasant events that literally shattered my view of the world, all my beliefs have been lost.

I watch my entries for the past 6 months and at first look I get the impression, that it was written by a shallow and emptry person, only to realize, that it's my own handwriting.

Then I had a glance at my essays and stories I have written and am shocked, that I was once so imaginative and creative....unlike now.

 I don't know, if you people will understand it, but I feel as if I have become part of the masses. Another nameless face on the long list of the goverment......I became ordinary -___-

Look at me, I'm crying about this on an internet forum. How pathetic have I grown over the summer.


 It's not all bad, though. I did gain some skills over the time. Most notably, my resilience has increased during the past 6 months and I have fully recovered from that heartbreak I had in January.

But still, it doesn't change the fact, that I'm not as impressive as I used to be...and I miss those days, when my madness was refined and could be used to an advantage. I don't even feel any madness in me now.

Ironically, it took another member of the mass to start my slow recovery. A girl I care about told me recently, that she liked guys that are smart and intelligent. I don't know what naive hope came into my mind, but the next morning I took a shover (didn't have one for about a week), cleaned up my room (hadn't done that for 6 months), washed my clothes (hadn't done that in two weeks), picked up and read a book (didn't do it for 2 months).

Today I log into the Wolf's Den and read "Thus Spake Zaratustra". I can feel my brain pulsing from that abstract knowledge. Got some other gifts of the Archlord, that I need to view and study.

So yeah, while I didn't  commit suicide, like I wanted to, I didn't see any reason for existance in life since January, even though I had the answers all the time. It just seemed, that nothing in life was worth it anymore.

But the message I'm trying to deliver you guys is that it's never too late to start fighting back and regaining yourself. It's never too late to start fighting for the right to be yourself, not what the public wants you to be.

I'm psychotic.
I'm crazy at times.
I am either crue or ignorant to those I don't care about or hardly know.
I am manipulative.
But I am assirtive and I believe in myself. I don't blidnly follow others or believe in illusions, like most people do. I weight my own opinion at first. Because I'm an individual, not part of the mass.

Society, I gave you chance. I was part of you for some time. But you failed me. Seriously. You want people to marry, start a family and work hard, so that the goverment could collect your taxes and all together, the millions of faceless mouths could do something, eventhough your vast resources are commanded by a handful of strong individuals.

I've searched deep in my soul and it just doesn't work the way it does for other people. I don't have an inner call to start a family. I don't have an inner call to become rich. But I do have an inner call to constantly perfect myself, because that's what being a Black Dragon Agent is all about.

I sincerely reccomend you guys read "Thus Spake Zaratustra". It's in the Wolf's Den.

I admit, we don't look impressive. We're all kinda nerdy, physically not tough.

But we're crazy and imaginative. Also, we are loyal to ourselves and to each other. We don't contradict ourselves, we don't follow illusions. We see the world the way it is: it's dark, gloomy and cruel. But this is our natural habitat. We thrive in the darkness.
And when there's a problem, we almost always have a solotion ready. And if we don't, it won't take long to make one up.

We are few, but we are strong. I've seen people, who are spiritaully strong, but they are tied deeply in religion. We don't need that. We are moraly and spiritually strong without all that religion, because we believe in ourselves.

And that's just what being a Black Dragon Agent of a Fenrir's Fang is all about.

Dea Drakonum Spiritum Obscuritas.....god, I haven't written those words in a long time.
For the Glory!

[Superchaos2585]

Igor, I legitimately love you.

Even I have to admit, I've been part of the mass. Though I am now branching out and being more myself. I have to be the only kid in my school who likes Sonic or hockey, and I've been embracing that more this year. I have a lot to say, but I can't type it on my phone like this, it will have to wait. Igor, I want to get to know you better and become one of you're best friends.

[TRHeadshot]

You stole my line Alex... My mind has been mush lately, so I won't even attempt to formulate something intelligent, as I can only think abut her... however, always be yourself Ig, its all we really have <3

[Mustang MKIII]

Igor, like Alex said I want to know you better and you're the only person I've met on the Internet that I look to. I respect you, which is actually more than I can say about a lot of people I know in real life. 


P.s. We need an applause emoticon.

[Superchaos2585]

Applause? I'll get working on that when I can get on a computer what should it look like?

[Mustang MKIII]

Hmm how about a smilie face clapping his hands together cheering? I didn't know you were good with programing.

[Superchaos2585]

Well actually things like that aren't very difficult to do with SMF. So I can't say I'm great with programming XD. Sounds good though. Anyone else have any other ideas before I go with that one?

[CrazyHobo]

yes, a smiley for thread hijacking xD

[Phi]

Igor, this is a wonderful post, I'm glad to call you my friend.. remember, If there is anything at all you need to talk about, I am almost always on MSN

[Superchaos2585]

Hijacked smiley will be a middle eastern guy with a turban going up a sign that says 'Hijacked'

What? It's not ethnic stereotyping! He'll be a Muslim Radicalist, not just a random middle eastern guy.

[CrazyHobo]

and why does that remind me of the hijacker in Command and Conquer Generals?

[Twilightpersona]

I know what you mean with your first post CrazyHobo. I too have noticed the changes throughout my life such as my imagination and what I perceived as possible including the things I believed in. My imagination for example was so incredible that I wrote a short book about a hamster with a Mohawk that had superpowers. I wrote another similar story about a hippo that could fly and found a time machine. one thing I remember is for some reason the name Edgar Allen Poe made me think of a hippo because that was the subject my class was talking about before assigning us the project of writing a story for creative expression. I'm pretty sure I believed in impossible things before but my current logic blocks me from understanding what concept I could of possibly thought such scenarios could be conceived. As far as the things I have believed in the past Ill admit I used to have Imaginary friends when I was in kindergarten and first grade after that I guess they died. I remember one was something that looked like what I would now describe as a furry green Pickachu without the ears and reminds me of broccoli now.

I guess what I am trying to say is I too struggle for my individuality so I am not consumed  by the government/society. I do not want to be a part of that "namelessness" as you put it. I find it encouraging however that you and possibly many others understand this. I have not given up this fight and I never will.

CrazyHobo please note I am not in any way attempting/intending to be sucking up to you and also apologize in advance if this post steals your thunder.

[TRHeadshot]

I can concur significantly with this, though I feel I relapse into my old self from time to time.