Message #41826

[Superchaos2585]

I'm gonna  here for a second and talk about my problems. I haven't been diagnosed or anything, doesn't really matter either way, but I have a lot of nervous/anxious issues, tending to need things a certain way, OVERTHINKING every little thing and all the circumstances and whatnot that come from it, and things like that. Patrick is the only person I've ever met in person who get's this. He's part of me, I feel, and not having spoken to him for more than 10 minutes since the summer, I feel incomplete. I see him giving the love and attention he gave to me to somebody else, and something in my head makes me go berserk over it. Not voices or anything, just feelings, uncontrollable.
I really don't have real life friends anymore beside him, and even he's drifting now. Over the summer, I lost my first pet. My first real loss ever. I didn't know how to deal with it. Patrick had just gotten a gf, and I just cried until I couldn't anymore. I was very close to Simpson, she'd been here my whole life, so it hurt. Along with all this, before I continue, my mom has MS, and now has been having many cancer problems, anddddd started smoking again. This places stress on everyone.  Continuing, only a month and  a half later, my cat Spooky passed right in front of me. Maybe not as traumatizing as watching best friends die, but traumatizing nonetheless. Again, I cried. He'd also been with me for as long as I could remember. A few weeks later, the last of my first three cats, Sesar died. Again, Patrick wasn't around. This time I just bottled it. I couldn't cry anymore. I was able to talk to him for a small period beginning in October. I was fed up with school, and had been having many issues with people and their ignorance for about a year. We tried the whole "best friends dating best friends" thing, but that fell apart quickly. Pfft. I get too attached too quickly to people. Character flaw I suppose.

 I was able to visit in October, while this was going on. I decided to quit school like a fool. Not much of Patrick around to talk me out of it. I went from perfect grades, to leaving over punks messing with me all within a 2 year span. Unbelievable. Anyway, I came home, lost my phone, and this is where the contact was pretty much cut. In January, I think, I've blocked the day out, my dog who was with me all the time had to be put to sleep. No Patrick at all. I tried to reach out, with my impatience growing day after day, but again, he didn't talk to me when he said he would.

I tried one last time a few weeks ago, and Patrick told me not to make gay jokes because they "hurt his gf" (to be clear, all I did was say that Patrick was mine before he was hers and things of the sort) Anyway, this was my breaking point and I let him have it a bit. Nowadays I have panic attacks before going to bed, thinking about dying and stuff, and things couldn't be better/sarcasm

I've pretty much given up reaching out on my part, I'm waiting for something more than a random hi or things like that before I try anymore. I'm just tired. Tired./Novel