Test Subject - 0154 - Journals

[BlackRain]

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4/10/12
Got a new journal today. I'll begin logging events of interest or my thoughts tomorrow.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: She's shunning me now...

4/11/12
Wrote a letter to Dawn's friends today. Hopefully that will solve a few issues. Probably not, though.

In other news, I have the same sickness the other Agents have. Nausea, headaches, dizziness, that sort of thing. Not sure what it means yet.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I'm probably going to start logging my dreams, if I remember them.

4/12/12
I don't think she understands. I can understand not wanting to be reminded what she did to me, but she makes it seem like I'm not allowed to be upset at all. She **** left me! Of course I'm gonna be god damned upset! ****!

She's terrified of me because she doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust me because I still love a woman who probably never loved my in first place, dropped me like I was venomous, hasn't talked to me since she did so, and whom I haven't made and effort to do so in two years.

Dawn is my third girlfriend. My first in two years. Why can't she ignore the fact that I still care about and old god damned flame and just trust me?

Our issues run deeper than my dark nature, because none of her friends have shown displeasure with anything I've done, save Lacy and Alex, and I can understand where they're coming from.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: My arms are healing well.

4/13/12
I seem to have made basic reparations with Dawn, but every time I say that, however, something **** up again, so I will reserve judgement on that, for now.

In other news, Zhek has gotten significantly better, so that's extremely fortuitous.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: He's still an idiot.

4/14/12
She started kissing someone else. I... Just... ****. I don't know how she can expect me to believe her when she says she still loves me. I just really don't understand it.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I was right. She doesn't love me anymore. So, if Kyo doesn't let me hold on to my love for her, I believe I'll simply purge myself of humanity.

4/15/12
Today has been... Strange. Everything feels broken. Decayed and degraded. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with anything else, or if it is naught but coincidence. Either way, it feels... Dilapidated.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I haven't been able to numb myself. I suppose it's been too long. Regardless, it still hurt. My chest pains are getting worse...

4/16/12
Kyo told me it's possible she still loves me. It's nice to know someone still cares about me, though Dawn seems to be coming around. She's showing her care a bit more. It's nice, honestly. I like it.

It's just all... Confusing and overwhelming. I'm not sure what I should do. Whatever it is, I doubt it will hold. I seem to get myself into no-win scenarios often.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I'm going to have to tell Kyo I lost her bracelet. I hope she won't get upset.

4/17/12
Dawn still seems to be hesitant about talking to me, in or out of school. Insulted me several times today. Can't say I like it. And I'm suppose to be the mean one... Haven't insult someone in public in weeks.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Felt nice to have her request my presence yesterday, though.

4/18/12
Dawn wants me to be patient. Again. Still. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. She partially answered my question, but it honestly just raises another question and confused me more.

I must rescind on what I wrote just a few days ago. She doesn't seem to want me around at all. Patience... She want's me to be patient bu she doesn't even want to touch me anymore. That is not a matter of patience; it is a matter of not wanting me anymore.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: The idiot fools are arguing again. It makes me want to kill people, more so than usual.

4/19/12
I'm inches away from giving up. I love her so, so much, but she's just... augh, I have no words. Wish she'd just listen to reason and take her own advice.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: **** dogs shat on my bed again. Gonna kill them.

4/20/12
Tonight is the first time in seven months I'll be sleeping without Dawn being linked to me. I am not looking forward to the inevitable nightmares that will come for me.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I feel... empty now...

4/21/12
Even with the aid of medication, I did not sleep well last night. More nightmares.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Body is already breaking down. Resisting it.

4/22/12
I miss her. My mind can't decide between depression or rage.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: My various wounds are healing slowly.

4/23/12
She told me she doesn't love me anymore.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I want to die...

4/24/12
The Rage is getting stronger. Probably a side effect of the pain. I'm going to try to meditate as often as possible to contain it.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I'm very, very tired.

4/25/12
I'm relearning how to survive without a mate. It still hurts, though.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Nemo is... Intoxicating...

4/26/12
I am really getting sick of this place.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Dawn...

4/27/12
This city is truly beginning to irritate me.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Sleep...

4/28/12
Talked with Omen a lot today.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: He's a lucky ****...

4/29/12
The past few days have been... off.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Recruited Steph and Ayla.

4/30/12
Michael started his chemo today. He's not as sick as I thought he would be, not yet.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I've discovered what that rune was. Part of a warding array. Should be interesting.

5/1/12
Converted Stephanie today. Explained our basic philosophy and our hierarchical structure.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Miss Dawn...

5/2/12
Today has been... trying, to say the least. Nothing too special, just a coalition of idiocy and pain.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Something just feels different today. Not wrong. Just different.

5/3/12
I miss her, so much. It's not an overwhelming misery, but a subtle, omnipresent sorrow and longing.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Corrupting Steph is becoming easier and easier as time wears on.

5/4/12
I chipped my tooth earlier. Not good.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Marisa is an idiot.

5/5/12
I'm getting irritated with having naught to do, no where to go.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Progress on DDO is slow.

5/6/12
I realized earlier that I will likely live to see my brothers die.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I miss them, both of them, immensely.

5/7/12
I'm ashamed to of myself. I cried in public, multiple times.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Kailiegh is as beautiful and kind as ever. Shame she isn't interested...

5/8/12
Roy swung by today. Promised to come around more.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Kailiegh's supposed to be taking me to the lake. Hope it pans out this time.

5/9/12
Today has no gone so well. I almost broke down again. Kailiegh hasn't been answering my texts again.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Dragon turned out decently.

5/10/12
My body is starting to give out on me.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Have to clean up when I get home...

5/11/12
Kailiegh canceled again. How did I know...

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Feel like ****. Miss Dawn...

5/12/12
I was an idiot today. Instead of meditating, I simply lazed about and watched movies.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: Chest pain is getting worse.

5/13/12
Kailiegh didn't show up. Ignoring me as usual when she doesn't make it. Told her I was done.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I'm not losing my mind anymore. I think.

5/14/12
The past few days have gotten rougher on all of us. I hope Kailiegh and Dawn are doing alright.

-IO-CRSS Black Rain
Afterthought: I need to start running again.