Message #42289

[BlackRain]

I figure it's time for me to actually tell you guys what's going on with me...

Starting from the top... My stepfather has cancer, I have eight people living in the same house, only two of us have jobs and one is part-time, I'm the only one who ever works around the house, I get asked to do everything, the Rage is getting unbearable, I haven't seen my best friend in almost a year, and I have night terrors like I've never had before.

All this was made manageable by the fact that my girlfriend, Dawn, stuck by me and weathered my fits of rage, and bouts of depression. Then we started arguing, and try as I might, I couldn't get her to see reason, as she'd stopped even looking at me when we were together, and I was trying to rectify this.

Let me explain more clearly, along with giving you some background...

Two years ago, I was basically broken by a woman I loved - still love - and I told Dawn this, you know, because I trust her, I love her, and I wanted no secrets between us.

Obviously, this was a mistake. She took it that I'm tempted to go back to Kyo, the other girl, and she's not wrong, but I'll get to the reasoning behind that in a moment.

Suffice it to say, when she took this wrongly, she was upset, and I didn't want Kyo then. I wanted Dawn. Only Dawn. I can't help it if I still love one of my exes. I tried to make her see reason on this, too...

Most people don't think clearly when they're upset, so... She got it stuck in her head that I wasn't hers, and only hers, until she saw fit to cast me out like a spent cartridge.

Now, don't misunderstand, I caused a few problems in here too, but they were all magnified and made worse by her being irrationally upset.

She started drifting away. Getting more distant. Stopped looking at me when I was talking to her. Getting angry when I wanted to talk to her without her saying something first.

Confronted her about it. Started a string of fights that lasted a month. My chest pains came back viciously.

She suggested more distance. I nearly broke right then. 'How can you suggest more distance, Dawn, when that's what is causing these problems in the first place?' I asked. The only answer I got was more anger.

Now, she's left me while my stepfather is dying, our bills are piling up, and my family is falling apart around me.

She finally told me the problem, or so she percieves it.

She's scared of me. Her friends are scared of me. Her family is scared of me. They all think I want to hurt her. Nothing could be further from the truth, yet she doesn't believe me, because she doesn't me, because she has issues dealing with the fact I still care for an old flame.

She gets pissed when I'm around her and I'm upset that she left me. She gets pissed when I'm upset over anything. In fact, this morning, she got angry at me for asking her why I amused her.

The conversation went exactly like this, and I quote...

'Me: Morning. 6:44

Me: *sigh* Alright. Whatever. See you in the cafeteria. 7:04

Dawn: Heh ok 7:04

Me: What was the heh for? 7:04

Dawn: You're amusing 7:08

Me: How so? 7:08

Dawn: Never mind 7:09

Me: Love... just tell me. 7:09

Dawn: Forget it. I didn't know me laughing was such a big deal. 7:10

Me: No, I'm not upset. I just want to know why you laughed. I don't see anything particularly amusing in that message, so I want to understand it. 7:11

Me: How can I **** something so simple as asking you why I'm amusing? Good gods, I really can't do anything right. I was just assking why I amused you with that. I'm sorry if it came off as being condescending or whatever. Just **** curious why you laughed. 7:21

Me: I'm sorry for upsetting you. Tell me when you want to see me. 7:33

Dawn: I don't care if you're here just quit texting me 7:45

Me: I noticed you don't care, thanks. Talk to you when you feel like it. One more thing; I love you. 7:50

Dawn: Yeah awesome. QUIT TEXTING ME 7:53

Me: I don't even know what I did to **** you off. But whatever. Goodbye. 7:54'

Directly from my phone. Honestly, I'm so damned exhausted I'm ready to just stick a blade in my heart and be done with it all. My stress levels have got to nearly doubled since I last took any sort of test on it, and more **** just keeps coming in and in and in and in and in and in and **** in!

I can't even train right anymore. I haven't meditated in **** months. I haven't sleept more than eight hours at a time without waking up or having a nightmare in years. My body aches constantly, all over, I can literally feel my sanity slipping between my fingers, and I'm not even sure I care anymore.

So, to sum it all up, I have just one question...

WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE? >.<

God damn, Azle is just... ****! Is **** wretched.