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Posted by: Twilightpersona
« on: April 20, 2012, 04:58:37 am »yea I based it off what I read of his description in his story.
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Posted by: CrazyHobo« on: April 19, 2012, 09:56:27 pm »Vora's blonde.
At least that's what he told me: "I'm the only blonde male in Buenos Aires" Posted by: BlackRain« on: April 19, 2012, 02:49:18 pm »Pretty sure Vora has black/dark brown hair, but let's see if I can't edit this into proper shape with my brain like it is now...
After Mr. Logan was sure William was gone he pulled out his thin, sleek black cell phone and dialed a number. He spoke quietly into the phone,“It’s Vora,” which was met with a surprised response from the person on the other end. “Vora? It’s been a long time since we all heard from you Archlord… are you okay?” inquired the man on the other end. “Yes Igor, I am fine but there is no time for pleasantries, I have something you might want to see. Come to the high school across from West Side Apartments. Bring Albel with you as well; I believe he may be especially interested.” he replied. “Yes sir, on our way now," Igor responded, making sure his salute was in his voice. Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 19, 2012, 06:19:53 am »OK I added some more to the story. It's edited onto the end of the previous part to help set up for the next part. Just alittle extra details is all.
Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 17, 2012, 03:52:23 am »I agree.
I need to start writing it again. Posted by: TRHeadshot« on: April 17, 2012, 03:35:32 am »Persona's story with Rain's guidance
 *Drools rainbow* Me likey this combo <3Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 03, 2012, 03:26:41 am »I see improvement in narration. Good job. Yes, I understand. The point I was trying to make in the story was the fact that I predicted the future in a dream and my character writes about it. also, rain I will go back and make new paragraphs for dialogue. Edit: I have made new paragraphs for dialogue and by the way the reason the story isn't in chronological order is because it's supposed to emphasize the difference in time in a cause and effect relationship. Posted by: BlackRain« on: April 02, 2012, 12:29:58 pm »These are your errors...
Time: 9:30 A.M. Date: September 22, 2035 The high school teacher sat the paper down on his desk, looking up at William. “So this is what you’re giving me for last week’s assignment?" he inquired, removing his dark green glasses. “Yes Mr. Logan,” the student responded, awaiting his teachers opinion. “Very well... the assignment was to write notes about your dreams but instead it seems you have written a story about the near future, tomorrow to be exact, including poor character development,” stated Mr. Logan who was now standing in front of the class. “It sort of just came to me like that sir,” he responded, sinking slowly in his chair out fear of being criticized any further. Suddenly the bell went off, dismissing the entire school for the weekend. “Yes! Saved by the bell!” William exclaimed, jumping out of his seat. The other students rush past him as he tried to sneak past the teacher. Just a few more steps and he would be home free. One step away from the door the teacher caught him. “William, may I speak with you for a moment?” the boy slowly turned around before speaking,“Yes, Mr. Logan? What is it?” “I was wondering… the characters in your story… Igor and Albel, I believe… are they friends of yours?” asked the elder man as he adjusted his black tie. “No sir, I’ve actually never met them before in my life, why do you ask?” At this point, the teacher was brushing his light blonde hair. “No reason. I was just wondering if you were writing about some friends of yours.” William breathed a sigh of relief as he thought he was going to be in trouble. “Is there anything else you would like to ask?” he asked, getting his nerves back together. “No, that will be all… have a nice weekend,” says Mr. Logan as he smiled and waved good bye. William returned the gesture, walking out of the classroom and down the hall to the tall, blue double doors leading outside. He peered outside before walking out, seeing an average afternoon sky of the town he had lived in since he was a child before the days his parents died. Up until recently, before moving into the apartment, he had lived with his uncle. The young man took a deep breath and headed home with an uneasy feeling in his gut about the day to come. [Basically, you don't stay in the same tense during your story. I saw three or four times you switch between the past tense and the present. I tend to stick to the past, as it's easier to tell a story that way. Then, you don't make a new paragraph for dialogue, which makes it ten times easier to read. Then, you use the characters' names too much, instead of doing the slow description thing, like I had suggested. There's also some grammar and spelling errors mixed in... xD This is definitely better than before, but still.] Posted by: CrazyHobo« on: April 02, 2012, 09:43:04 am »I see improvement in narration. Good job.
I also noticed that you decided not to go with a chronological order and put them at random. Dangerous trick, but makes reading all the more interesting. Just don't forget to input the dates, otherwise readers will get confused. Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 02, 2012, 09:38:10 am »My apologies for the double post but the next part of the story is up. I believe it goes along the lines of what Rain wanted to see.
Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 02, 2012, 05:19:00 am »I'm working on it now it will be awhile though.
Posted by: BlackRain« on: April 02, 2012, 05:16:31 am »DO IT. DO IT NOW, YOU ****.
Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 02, 2012, 04:40:02 am »I'll think about that but first I'm going to add a page and you can tell me if it's any better.
Posted by: BlackRain« on: March 31, 2012, 05:15:58 am »x3 Thanks, mate. I haven't written in ages, and I did that in thirty minutes.
Anyway, write more like it's a novel, rather than a dialogue chronicling. Makes for a much more descriptive, entertaining read. If you want, until you get the hang of it, I can convert your basic dialogues into something like that, provided I'm one step ahead of everyone else in terms of story. It's easier to put proper literary elements in there in that case. Also, since I'm here, I seem to have developed a liking for story telling, despite my ignorance to the art, so if anyone could come up with a story line for me to write with, I'd appreciate it greatly. Posted by: CrazyHobo« on: March 30, 2012, 10:23:01 am »Darkfighter has a writing tutorial posted on DF about writing.
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