Home
Forum
Search
Calendar
Arcade
Login
Register
Posted by: Twilightpersona
« on: April 19, 2012, 06:19:53 am »OK I added some more to the story. It's edited onto the end of the previous part to help set up for the next part. Just alittle extra details is all.
|
Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 17, 2012, 03:52:23 am »I agree.
I need to start writing it again. Posted by: TRHeadshot« on: April 17, 2012, 03:35:32 am »Persona's story with Rain's guidance
 *Drools rainbow* Me likey this combo <3Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 03, 2012, 03:26:41 am »I see improvement in narration. Good job. Yes, I understand. The point I was trying to make in the story was the fact that I predicted the future in a dream and my character writes about it. also, rain I will go back and make new paragraphs for dialogue. Edit: I have made new paragraphs for dialogue and by the way the reason the story isn't in chronological order is because it's supposed to emphasize the difference in time in a cause and effect relationship. Posted by: BlackRain« on: April 02, 2012, 12:29:58 pm »These are your errors...
Time: 9:30 A.M. Date: September 22, 2035 The high school teacher sat the paper down on his desk, looking up at William. “So this is what you’re giving me for last week’s assignment?" he inquired, removing his dark green glasses. “Yes Mr. Logan,” the student responded, awaiting his teachers opinion. “Very well... the assignment was to write notes about your dreams but instead it seems you have written a story about the near future, tomorrow to be exact, including poor character development,” stated Mr. Logan who was now standing in front of the class. “It sort of just came to me like that sir,” he responded, sinking slowly in his chair out fear of being criticized any further. Suddenly the bell went off, dismissing the entire school for the weekend. “Yes! Saved by the bell!” William exclaimed, jumping out of his seat. The other students rush past him as he tried to sneak past the teacher. Just a few more steps and he would be home free. One step away from the door the teacher caught him. “William, may I speak with you for a moment?” the boy slowly turned around before speaking,“Yes, Mr. Logan? What is it?” “I was wondering… the characters in your story… Igor and Albel, I believe… are they friends of yours?” asked the elder man as he adjusted his black tie. “No sir, I’ve actually never met them before in my life, why do you ask?” At this point, the teacher was brushing his light blonde hair. “No reason. I was just wondering if you were writing about some friends of yours.” William breathed a sigh of relief as he thought he was going to be in trouble. “Is there anything else you would like to ask?” he asked, getting his nerves back together. “No, that will be all… have a nice weekend,” says Mr. Logan as he smiled and waved good bye. William returned the gesture, walking out of the classroom and down the hall to the tall, blue double doors leading outside. He peered outside before walking out, seeing an average afternoon sky of the town he had lived in since he was a child before the days his parents died. Up until recently, before moving into the apartment, he had lived with his uncle. The young man took a deep breath and headed home with an uneasy feeling in his gut about the day to come. [Basically, you don't stay in the same tense during your story. I saw three or four times you switch between the past tense and the present. I tend to stick to the past, as it's easier to tell a story that way. Then, you don't make a new paragraph for dialogue, which makes it ten times easier to read. Then, you use the characters' names too much, instead of doing the slow description thing, like I had suggested. There's also some grammar and spelling errors mixed in... xD This is definitely better than before, but still.] Posted by: CrazyHobo« on: April 02, 2012, 09:43:04 am »I see improvement in narration. Good job.
I also noticed that you decided not to go with a chronological order and put them at random. Dangerous trick, but makes reading all the more interesting. Just don't forget to input the dates, otherwise readers will get confused. Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 02, 2012, 09:38:10 am »My apologies for the double post but the next part of the story is up. I believe it goes along the lines of what Rain wanted to see.
Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 02, 2012, 05:19:00 am »I'm working on it now it will be awhile though.
Posted by: BlackRain« on: April 02, 2012, 05:16:31 am »DO IT. DO IT NOW, YOU ****.
Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: April 02, 2012, 04:40:02 am »I'll think about that but first I'm going to add a page and you can tell me if it's any better.
Posted by: BlackRain« on: March 31, 2012, 05:15:58 am »x3 Thanks, mate. I haven't written in ages, and I did that in thirty minutes.
Anyway, write more like it's a novel, rather than a dialogue chronicling. Makes for a much more descriptive, entertaining read. If you want, until you get the hang of it, I can convert your basic dialogues into something like that, provided I'm one step ahead of everyone else in terms of story. It's easier to put proper literary elements in there in that case. Also, since I'm here, I seem to have developed a liking for story telling, despite my ignorance to the art, so if anyone could come up with a story line for me to write with, I'd appreciate it greatly. Posted by: CrazyHobo« on: March 30, 2012, 10:23:01 am »Darkfighter has a writing tutorial posted on DF about writing.
Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: March 30, 2012, 09:08:07 am »Wow that is a hell of a lot better....
I suppose I will rethink what I have been doing and practice on improving my story skills over the weekend. you may expect some new additions to the story by Tuesday. Posted by: BlackRain« on: March 30, 2012, 08:43:15 am »Ehhhh... Basic theory, yes. What I do is more like... Let's see if I can't whip something up, for dialogue, on this first one...
There were three sharp, strong raps on William's door as he walked towards it, heading to look outside and see what was going on. Swinging it open, he was met by two men in black armor, one with a crimson cloak about his shoulders, and the other with a similar, but black vestiment. He ran his eyes over them a few times before speaking,"Who are you guys?" The man with the short, brown hair and the crimson cloak gave a mild bow, gesturing to himself first,"My name is Igor Korzun... And this," he began, gesturing towards the black haired man this time, who inclined his head lightly with the gesture,"Is Albel Norax." Will paused, slightly surprised at the odd names, and the paler one's silent demeanor. He couldn't even tell if the man was breathing or not. "So... What's going on?" As he spoke, he found he was mildly nervous, and fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, which he quickly put a stop to, standing straight and sticking his hands in his pockets to avoid fidgeting more. Igor gave a small, slight smirk, tinged with madness and insanity just before he opened his mouth. "That's what we need your help to find out." The distance between the mans eyebrows closed somewhat in confusion, almost immediately. "What the Hell are you talking about? How can I help you?" "There's no time to explain right now. You need to come with us." "Fine. Just let be get a few things first." "Please hurry. This is urgent," Igor pleaded. "Alright," Will muttered as he turned to jog back inside, packing a few of his things. After the young man was out of both line of sight, and earshot, Albel finally spoke, in a soft, but strong, and icy voice. "Igor... Are you sure he is the one you spoke of?" The Russian man gave a strong nod, continuing the affirmation in speech. "He must be. Did you notice the flash of crimson in his eyes when he saw us?" "Aye, I did. Still... That's not very special. I can do that at will. So tell me, how is this significant to our investigation?" "You don't have to believe me, but who else living around here walked outside ready to empty a clip into someone?" "I see your point. Still, he becomes a liability, I'll cut him down without a thought." As he was finishing the sentence, he moved his cloak back slightly on his left side, resting that hand on the hilt of a black katana, and revealing another hidden beneath the cloth as emphasis for his statement. "I would expect nothing less from you, Brother." Just as they finished the conversation, and the colder of the two let his cloak fall back down over his weapons, their quarry exited the building with a dufflebag full of what seemed to be canned goods and weapons. "Alright, I'm ready to go." Albel chuckled lightly. "He's not completely hopeless. Food and weapons." William raised an eyebrow at the man. "Thanks. You said you needed my help, so this should be a good start." "Do you have any .45 ACP rounds?" Igor raised his blackened, engraved handgun, intending to show he was out. The younger one thought for a moment, before giving a hesitant nod, and set the bag down to rumage through it for a moment before pulling out a box of fifty rounds for the crimson-cloaked soldier. "How about you, Albel? Need any ammunition?" His arm blurred slightly, and he drew one of his handguns, a Cz75, black, with 'Ruin' etched in scrawling, silver script down the barrel, ejecting the clip, catching it with the other hand, and showing that he still had a full clip, before popping it back in and holstering the powerful weapon. He looked up at Igor, who seemed to be reloading his clips, with a quickness that came only with years of practice. "He doesn't speak much, does he?" "Only when it's important. Now, let us go. We must hurry." Posted by: Twilightpersona« on: March 30, 2012, 05:44:08 am »I believe I understand what you mean rain. For example you would prefer something like this right?:
In the midst of the firefight Persona's dark brown hair was waving dramatically due to the harsh winds at the battlefield. |
|